The Problem With Running Away From Relationships: Shadow Work.

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Whether you're considering ending the relationship you're now in, have recently ended one or about to begin a new romantic adventure, this blog entry might bring some light to your current situation and maybe inspiration to take a deep breath, pause and connect with the inner wisdom that might be required before taking a rush decision. Breaking up might not be the best decision you'll ever make. In fact, it won't.

Most relationships, if not all, eventually hit a wall. Emotions run high, the mind is clouded with thought, and sharing space and time with a romantic partner can be a more stressful than enjoyable or fulfilling. The honey moon period is over. Personal differences create arguments that come back full of regrets; arguments that once emotions decrease prove to be insubstantial, if not futile. Regret might inevitably follow, and two people who love each other dearly could live with the feeling that they´re in the presence of a complete stranger. Their darker sides have turn up to greet each other. Can't live with them, can't live without them.

When we look at our romantic partner as a stranger, an excellent opportunity is presented to pause and reflect. If instead of focusing all the attention on a partner, the awareness is brought to ourselves, it's likely that one perceives that there's a disconnection with the self. One might not recongnise themselves anymore. There's an uncomfortable sense of loss. The melancholy of home. At this stage, it´s easier to blame the person that with all probability is still loved. This is OK. Everyone panics every now and then before the possibility of the loss of love. 

These days, many relationships do not enjoy the time, nor meet the opportunities to consolidate. As soon as an uncomfortable situation arises, one, if not both mount on a tantrum - see inner child- and throw love out of the window. The only purpose is to hurt and/or to control the other. I´m hurt, so I hurt you serves as an excuse, as false validation.

Humanity seems to have lost the ability to pause and the value of patience when facing an uncomfortable situation. "All you need is love" has been replaced with all-I-need-is-comfort-here-and-now. Relationships work as an indicator of where everyone is internally; mentally and emotionally, serving to throw us out of our comfort zone. The entire world seems comfortable being uncomfortable. Once we reach such energetic wall, the most plausible solution to hold on to the right to be right is to end the relationship. Often, relationships break when two people are still in love. Comfort seems more inviting than love. 

How one can drop from one day to the other the person they love is beyond me!

This takes us to the figure of the runner. Running away from relationships is running away from yourself. Yet, we all know that there's no place to escape. Any relationship will bring periods of discomfort in which one must deal with their own emotions. Emotions that have been there untapped for a long time. 

One might try to convince themselves that a relationship ends, lesson learned and I'll do better next time. No, you won't! The same issues and patterns will come back with any relationship, only that the next time intensity will increase, and emotions will return with a vengeance. The notion that with a new partner the relationship will be easier or better is an illusion that gives the ego momentary validation. It won't be easier. In fact it will be the opposite. Avoiding to explore feelings and emotions might work while being single and unattached, but when a feeling remains unexplored, it will return to show that someone is at the same or worse place to where they were before. 

Avoidance is nothing but fear. Fear to love and be loved.

Relationships are much more than love. However, if they don't work, it's  mostly due to the inability of one or two people to bet everything on love. When love is unconditional, one can face, deal with and solve any issues. Love does not see problems, but opportunities to grow. This is not the case. Before beginning the relationship, people have a pre-conceived idea of what it should be like. Reality proves different. 

People put obstacles with their endless conditions. These conditions are nothing but fear of love. Any relationship will work if people had the patience to deal with their differences and adapt to the other person within reason. There must be balance. One cannot adapt to every demand when their partner shows not flexibility. 

Running away from relationships leaves us unevolved.

Before beginning a relationship one should consider what is their commitment to do shadow work and discuss it with the other person. If one is not prepared to go through it, the likelihood that it ends is high. In this case, the end result might be the easy way out and to move on. 

Shadow work is easy in practice, but it could be an excruciating experience to go through. It requires patience, commitment and above all, love or the intention to reach unconditional love within the couple. Relationships are perfect platforms for self-growth, as well as allowing two people to grow together. However painful or intense it proves to be, shadow work in a relationship makes people stronger individually and in partnership. 

According to Jung, "shadow work reveals the dark side of the personality which is unknown to the conscious ego." These aspects of the personality reveal themselves in a relationship, provoking a series of feelings and emotions never explored before. Whether we have knowledge of shadow work or not, it is presented every day in all relationships, and as the 'dark side' is revealed, an uncomfortable period begins. Now we´re facing a mirror seeing a reflection we do not really want to see. The heart closes, the ego feels reinforced and the mind begins to wander in better shores with an ideal partner. 

We need to learn to love the darker side of the other person. If we see it in them, it is in us also.

This ´ideal partner´ is a product of the same pre-conception of what love and relationships should be that one enters the relationship with, a projection of the self onto another person. A vicious circle in search of the ideal. Every partner is ideal, every person is romantically compatible with another provided there's love as a foundation. All it takes is love, and commitment to grow together. 

Instead of focusing on the ideal lover, we might want to consider to dedicate time, energy and work on becoming the ideal lover. 

Shadow work is demanding. Couples might need assistance from a third party at the beginning, although once the process is initiated and both partners are aware of how it works, it is something a couple can deal with on their own. It does take time. 

Running away from the relationship might give the impression that things are better for a while, as one does not need to deal with their dark side, lacking the mirror in a partner to reflect the truth about the self. It is also a pointless exercise and one that will bring excruciating pain in the future. Remember this: you´re doing it to yourself. Running away from a relationship is to lie to ourselves, to leave things undone, feelings unexpressed and emotions untouched. 

It is a constant complaint from people who have been in different relationships that they keep attracting the same kind of partner. There's a point in life in which one has to consider to look within and take responsibility for their own feelings and emotions. When all previous romantic partners seem to behave in exactly the same way towards us, it's time to pause and take a good look at ourselves.

It´s not that we attract the same partners. Different partners have to face and deal with the same issues. The impression will be that everyone is the same and behave in the same way. Here, we reached the poor-me-victim stage. 

Shadow work, however unattractive it might sound, brings people together, making them stronger. It requires to allow yourself to be vulnerable, so as to detach from the more obscure parts of the self in order to reveal the most beautiful part of you. 

Running away from a relationship hurts you and hurts the other person. If you read this, now you know. There's enough hurt and heartbreak in the world already. If you feel that you're not loving this person anymore, take a look at yourself and consider that you might not be allowing yourself to feel, and consequently you might have lost the ability to love another. 

The wall is always there and it will grow stronger with every relationship. Shadow work allows the individual to discover different aspects of their personality, so as to leave it behind and become more true to oneself. Before we become who we really are, first we have to experience what we're not. 

Commitment to a relationship and to shadow work also within the relationship is an act of love and self-love. It is a path to the unknown beautiful self. It's also a personal choice. We run away until we find out there's nowhere to go to. 

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This blog is still under construction. It is to be seen if it will dedicated to personal readings, as the original idea has evolved since it was created. 

My other blog -click on link- is still functioning and it might also subject to some changes.

Feel free to contact me for further shadow work information.